


What Might Have Been

by TeamKalinda



Category: Good Wife (TV)
Genre: Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-05
Updated: 2013-05-05
Packaged: 2017-12-10 12:38:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/786138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeamKalinda/pseuds/TeamKalinda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alicia and Kalinda in a bar post-season 4. A brief rehashing of relevant canon events from a somewhat different perspective. Alicia is finally ready to be the friend Kalinda has proven she deserves. Cary suffers slightly in the translation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Might Have Been

“I was starting to think I was being stood up,” Alicia said, finishing the last sip of her drink. 

It wasn’t true. Kalinda, however surprised she might have been to be asked, had agreed to meet for a drink and there was no doubt in Alicia’s mind that she would show up eventually. Despite everything they had been through, Kalinda had never failed to be there for her, often without her even having to ask. 

Kalinda didn’t concern herself with the details of many peoples’ lives. It was an ironic circumstance of her generally distrustful nature that on the rare occasion she allowed herself to feel something for a person, she found herself rendered loyal to a fault. This went a long way to explain the psychotic Canadian husband that had, thankfully, departed from their corner of the world almost as suddenly as he had appeared. 

But Alicia shuddered to think of herself in the same category as that man – to think of him at all, in fact. She knew if she’d ever been any kind of true friend to Kalinda she would have expressed more concern over that situation and not merely because her own safety was at risk. She flattered herself to think that perhaps that Nick had been a threat not only to Kalinda herself but to the others she had come to care for, Alicia among them, had served as a propellant in his eradication. Still, providing a catalyst for the betterment of one’s situation wasn’t the same thing as showing support.

It wasn’t as if Kalinda ever volunteered information about her private life, of course, and it was a known fact that it was often times better, for the asker, not to inquire about the particulars. Yet, somehow, regardless of the ways they had both failed each other over the years – and they had both failed – Alicia managed to retain her elite status in Kalinda’s hierarchy. She knew, with one phone call, no matter the juncture, she had someone in her corner that would fight for her, at times harder than she was willing to fight for herself. This was not something for which she had always been appropriately appreciative. 

Kalinda didn’t speak as she slipped onto the stool beside Alicia and motioned for the bartender to bring them another round. An awkward silence filled the air between them almost immediately. Kalinda’s presence said everything that needed to be said on her end. She had responded as she always had – and inevitably always would – when she was needed. She didn’t know why her services were being requested and it didn’t matter. Usefulness was the way Kalinda showed affection that she couldn’t make sense of in any other context. 

Alicia bit the inside of her lip quickly growing more and more uncomfortable as the gulf between them seemed to increase with every breath. She wasn’t sure how to say what she wanted to say. In the recent whirlwind of life events she hadn’t been able to think that far ahead. Mercifully, Kalinda finally broke the stonewall. 

“So, what is it that you need?” Her tone was more resigned than resentful, but she made no effort to look up from her drink. The bluntness of the question, though not unwarranted, stung Alicia more than she was prepared for. So far, every part of this encounter and the self evaluation it called for had been even more painful than Alicia had anticipated. Getting right to the point was a well-known Kalinda defense mechanism. The sooner she was given her assignment, the sooner she could complete the task. Doing her duty would allow her a sense of accomplishment that would make it possible for her to live with herself for another day. 

Suddenly Alicia was struck by a memory that seemed as if it was from another life. She was sitting in her office as an associate – first or second year – telling Kalinda that she was going to need more help. “That’s what I live for,” Kalinda replied and she’d smiled, her face practically glowing with anticipation of the chance to, once again, use her efficacy as filler for all the emotions she didn’t know how to otherwise express. But there were no smiles now. These days, Kalinda lived to serve Alicia out of habit. In a way, it addressed a lot of her own needs as well, but that didn’t make what had become of their friendship any less tragic. 

“I need a friend.” This prompted Kalinda to finally turn towards Alicia. Her expression was visibly guarded but there was a familiar softness, a warmth in her dark eyes that she’d never really had complete control over. 

They hadn’t sat down together like this since their impromptu, Lockhart/Gardner funded, evening of wine drinking in a Minnesota hotel room. They had discussed many things that night – most of them of little importance. In a moment of seriousness, when Kalinda had admitted that she missed the relationship they used to have, Alicia was forced to admit to herself that she missed it, too. But there had been a kind of finality to Kalinda’s apology that had followed shortly thereafter – so many unspoken sentiments heaped upon those two little words. 

It was as if Kalinda had finally acknowledged that what had been broken was beyond repair and had accepted responsibility for the pain that was caused – like their renewed attempt at friendship was a failed experiment neither of them had any choice but to just move on from. It was what Alicia had thought she wanted. For a long time she’d held a grudge – even after she had extended an olive branch with an offer to try to make some sort of amends. There was a small, vindictive part of her that had always wanted it to end badly because she wanted Kalinda to hurt all over again. However, unsurprisingly, she’d eventually found that no amount of anyone else’s pain helped to soothe her own. 

Back in Chicago, Alicia had gone about the business of avoiding Kalinda. She was frustrated with herself for the ongoing dissonance she felt regarding their war torn relationship. The more she thought about it, the more frustrated she became. Fortunately, with Peter’s campaign and her newfound equity partnership amongst other things, it had been only too easy to busy herself with less upsetting matters. 

Alicia had supported Kalinda during the firm’s fiasco of hiring a second investigator because that was only right – but once Robyn was hired she was the one Alicia found herself turning to when she needed something. She had no messy history with Robyn, and, given the option, it was just easier that way. At some point Kalinda seemed to have taken the hint that Alicia wasn’t entirely sure she was trying to provide and had done her best to make herself scare as well. At times they had gone days without even passing in the hallway. That was just the way it was between them – until Alicia decided, for certain, that she was leaving Lockhart/Gardner to start an independent firm with Cary. 

Kalinda had been there by her side on her first day back in the courtroom. She had made up fictitious firm traditions to wrangle her as a drinking buddy. Together they had seen Stern, Lockhart & Gardner, Lockhart/Gardner, Lockhart & Associates and Lockhart/Gardner again. They had weathered so much together – victories so great that Will and Diane slow danced through the office and losses so devastating the firm found itself remanded into the hands of a trustee. The highest highs and the lowest lows. The struggle to survive – life itself – was going on around them every day and suddenly Alicia found herself stunned by the ridiculousness that she had managed to find forgiveness for Peter, stood by him and supported him but she couldn’t do the same for Kalinda, a friend she desperately missed. The thought of being a part of some new start-up law firm without Kalinda by her side became practically unbearable. 

“There’s a lot going on in my life right now,” Alicia said, realizing as soon as she spoke that her words were as much an excuse as an explanation. Kalinda’s silence, while not unexpected, had left her incredibly self conscious. “Things are changing … and you’re the only person I want to talk to about everything – the only one that could possibly even begin to understand how I’ve gotten to this point.” Kalinda nodded and sighed, turning back to her drink. 

“I guess congratulations are in order.” 

“It was Peter’s win.” Alicia had no intention of allowing Kalinda to think she’d asked her to join her for a drink to lament the accolades of her husband’s career. Even at her most malicious this was not an approach she would have employed. 

“He couldn’t have done it without you,” Kalinda said matter-of-factly. “And now you’re the first lady of Illinois, you deserve to be congratulated.” 

“I’m a good lawyer, Kalinda.” 

“You are,” she agreed without hesitation. “You’re an excellent lawyer.” If she was at all surprised by the somewhat abrupt change in the direction of the conversation it didn’t show. 

“My entire adult life has been about what I can do for other people – what I bring to the table by name or association. I’m finally at a place where I’m both ready and have the opportunity to take a risk for myself.” Kalinda bristled slightly. Alicia was familiar with the tell-tale stiffening in Kalinda’s shoulders that indicated an involuntary distancing. She knew her next words would only be the verbal confirmation of what had already passed between them. “I’m going with Cary and the other 4th years to start a new firm.” 

“I hope it works out for you.” Kalinda looked up again, catching Alicia’s eye. “I mean that.” 

“I want you to come with us, Kalinda. Not just because your skills are invaluable, but because I really want you there with me.” A sad half-smile played on Kalinda’s lips as she shook her head. 

“That means a lot to me, Alicia, but Cary already tried to recruit me and it didn’t end well. He wants Robyn.” Alicia couldn’t help chuckling to herself. Kalinda’s protégé had done well in her short tenure at Lockhart/Gardner, but the last thing their start-up needed was to depend solely on a baby-investigator with no experience working independently. 

“Cary doesn’t want Robyn. Think about it, Kalinda. Do you know anyone he _hasn’t_ tried to recruit? Cary is a great lawyer, we have a wonderful working dynamic and he’ll make an excellent partner, but he has a lot to learn about executive level decision making. He’s very gung-ho about the new firm, which I love, but there’s such a thing as being overly zealous.” Alicia took a sip of her drink. “Besides, partnership by definition means Cary doesn’t get to make this choice on his own. Even if he does want Robyn; I want you. I’ll fight for you and I’ll win this round.” 

Sometime during Alicia’s speech, Kalinda had, once again, retreated into the safety of her own silence. Her face unreadable, she seemed almost embarrassed to be offered the same kind of support she undoubtedly would have given herself if their roles were reversed. 

“Now that I think about it,” Alicia said, again feeling compelled to fill the space, “I should probably start a list of the things Cary is going to have to compromise on. Did you know he’s in the middle of trying to make some kind of discount for services rendered deal with Colin Sweeney to acquire office space?” 

Kalinda raised an eyebrow and then laughed despite herself. It had been so long since Alicia had heard Kalinda’s laugh or seen the genuine smile that followed that she’d almost forgotten how good it felt to be able to provoke them – what it was like to really have her as a friend. 

“How long do you think it will be,” Alicia asked facetiously, “before Cary is planning a coup against me?”

“I don’t know,” Kalinda replied, her expression relaxing into a cautious contentment, “but I guess it’s possible that I might be around to see it.”


End file.
